Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Gloomy Days

Natalie's post this morning got me thinking. I think it's true that many of us censor ourselves when posting on our blogs. We want to present the light side of our lives and leave the rest in dark corners. Sometimes we write a post ranting or venting about things that aren't so perfect, then we delete them. Well, the following is an example of one I wrote last night while in a funk. I wasn't going to post this, but now I think maybe I should, to illustrate that all of our lives are not perfect like Martha Stewart... come to think of it, her life hasn't been so perfect either. And look at Oprah. She has all the money and power in the world, yet she is admitting she gets depressed and struggles with her weight.

"I hate to sound depressing, but I am depressed. My husband has been working at home for the past month. He broke his wrist in October, had the cast taken off in December, and is having a lot of pain in the arm. He goes to physical therapy and does the exercises, but is getting discouraged. Many nights, he has to take pain medication to sleep. He has been letting his beard and mustache grow, and looks all gray and fuzzy and rumpled. Most day he works in his home office, wearing sweats and a bath robe.

I have not been motivated to go out of the house or to get any exercise. I've been loading up on sugar and carbs. I watch too much T.V. Days and days go by, eating too much and watching too much news. It all leads to depression. It's hard to break the cycle. I look at my four walls and get more depressed. They are dark and mud-colored. My old house was light and bright with bay windows and sky lights. This house seems dark and confining. When we moved in, we left the walls and window treatments from the prior owners, and I tried to talk myself into liking it. But I can't... I want to have it all repainted. I want things to be light and bright, to take down the bamboo shades and put up lace curtains. Of course, with the economy looking so bleak, it's difficult to justify spending money on the house. The 401K I accumulated while working is now a 201K."

Okay, if you are still with me... that is what I wrote last night, when I was exhausted and ready to go to bed. This morning looks a little bit better. The sun is shining and the television is turned off. I am going to go out and conquer the world today!


Natalie said...

I could have written something quite similar. You are not alone. Our bathroom is a dark cave of wallpaper that I cannot imagine to be any uglier. And sugar? Oh Lord, am I ever a victim of this evil fiend. And it's so frustrating to know exactly what does not work and yet to slip in to the same rut, again and again. If I were there, next door, or around a corner, I would hold out my hand, offer a hug, share a salad, share a laugh, take a walk and listen. I can still listen. And next month, when my husband is home from months of 7/24 work hours, I hope someone will understand when I am going nuts having him home so much!

judy in ky said...

Thanks Natalie, I wish you were just around the corner.

Susan said...

I totally understand Judy ... maybe you really are depressed. Last summer I actually had an appointment with a psychiatrist and had myself properly assessed after slogging along feeling depressed and sad for years and then really plummeting last year after Jake's death. It turns out I do suffer from depression but not the clinical kind he called it a "depression of the soul" ... a circumstantial kind of depression caused by a difficult and sad childhood rather than a chemical depression and a kind that of depression that there are no drugs for (which I felt strangely relieved about). The kind of depression you have to fix on your own by changing the way I think about everything and with cognitive therapy ... which I unfortunately I cannot afford.

A book I picked up which is amazing is Unstuck - Your Guide to the Seven Stage Journey Out of Depression. I think you should begin though with a trip to your doctor.

Sending you lots of love from all of us here in Nova Scotia xo S, Winnie, Bleet, Oliver & Gus

Bearette24 said...

Yes, I think we all censor ourselves. I always like reading honest blog entries. Personally, I think painting the walls would be a great idea, and probably not that expensive. Sometimes little things can make a big difference...

Jennifer Jilks said...

I entered full blown depression when I moved to care for parents, they both died, I quit work, we sold our old house, left family and friends.

I wrote about my journey because I found that I was not the only traveller on this path. By sharing how you cope, you help others.

Sometimes, I just had to give myself permission to be sad, depressed, to watch 3 seasons of West Wing, and 5 CSIs in a row.

Eventually, you figure out how to heal - I had to get help: anti-depressants & therapy, plus TIME. I wrote my memoir, self-published the book, and have found research that shows that autobiography helps.
Thank you for sharing your story. It's not all a fairy tale.

Good post. Not every day is perceived a gift, but it is a lesson!

Mim said...

Thanks for sharing this.
life is real, life is hard!
And then unexpected things happen and it's how we do/don't cope!
My husband is bearded and rumpled too since he's at home everyday since losing his job in Nov.
Hope your husband is feeling better each day.

anya said...

Darling Judy.....I wish I was there to bundle you up and whisk you out for girlfriend therapy.

You SHOULD write these things, because we all have issues and when we write about them, we feel a little better not only for having shared them, but of course for just getting them off our chest. It is very seductive that only our friends in far away corners are the ones that read these words of ours, don't for the most part judge us, and our secrets never go farther than their computer screens. And then the support of far flung friends who all struggle in one way or another is a true blessing.

So, Judy...don't worry. When you feel it....write it.

judy in ky said...

Wow, thank you all for your comments. I feel better after reading them. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

BumbleVee said...

How about trying to get him to go for a walk with you each day? Just to be out and about in the fresh air changes perspective and it is easy to just chat a bit while walking.

If he doesn't want to go... go by yourself for your own health...he may decide to tag along some day.... my guy has decided to exercise daily this year since watching me do it daily..... and now, together, we are encouraging each other to continue it.....

and....for sure... get some lovely sunny paint on those walls. If you can't do it yourself... (which I would definitely try) .... I bet you can hire somebody pretty cheap for a small job like that in these economic times.... painters are scrambling for jobs now....

thanks for dropping by my blog today.....