Friday, January 21, 2011

Telling The Truth

I once had a psychologist tell me I had a "flat affect". Lack of emotional response. I've read that it happens when a person is depressed. I've had bouts of depression, that's true. I've also had times when the depression goes away. The ability to feel joy and enthusiasm comes and goes. Joy and enthusiasm have eluded me recently. Along with them goes creativity. So, I have been finding it difficult to write anything interesting here.

I made a mistake when I stopped working and moved away from my life in Philadelphia. In my blog profile, I wrote that I "am trying to assimilate". I'm not doing a very good job of it, I'm afraid. I live too far out in the country. I didn't realize what a city person I was becoming until the city was taken away. In my former life, I hopped on the train every morning and entered the outside world. The outside world eludes me here; my world has shrunken.

How do I find my way back? My husband resists moving again. His life hasn't changed that much, he still has the same job and still travels... just flies out of a different airport now. When I try to tell me how I feel, he thinks I am over-reacting, just being dramatic. Don't get me wrong, he is a good man, but you know how men can be. It isn't his fault. It isn't anyone's fault. We are closer to my family, that's true. But while we lived away from here (for twenty years) I became a different person... different religion, different political views. As they say, "you can't go home again". So now, where do I go?


Bearette said...

Difficult questions. Is there any way you could spend more time in Philadelphia? Weekends maybe?

It's interesting how a move can become irrevocable. I think it is often that way.

rachel said...

Judy, you sound lonely. And that makes the difference between country and city less of an issue, I think - friends and activity could make a huge difference to you wherever you are.

I'm not a "joiner" by any means, and have struggled with the deadening effect of depression too, but in your place I'd perhaps start looking around for something to get involved in that could tap in to the vibrant, sociable side that seems to have gone underground for now.

(When I read about your lovely, loving, respectful approach to all those little cats of yours, I think of what an asset you would be, maybe as a volunteer, to a local cat rescue organisation!)

Susan said...

Greetings from the very cold but sunny frozen North. I'm with Rachel - I do volunteer and as much as many days I dread leaving the house I know it is good for my "loner" spirit.

That said ... I would also say "move back" if it doesn't matter where your husband is for work then what does he care. Life is too short. If you can afford to do the things that make you feel happy & alive you should do them.

You have mentioned missing your old life since you began blogging ... a long time ago. Why not make a deal with each other to say YES !

I have encouraged Doug to try saying "YES" to any of my suggestions unless he has a really valid reason for saying "NO". Things as varied as trying new recipes, getting a second dog, activities ... the list is endless - some little things and many BIG things). Like many men he would be happy to have everything always be exactly the same ... and that's not who I am or who I want to be. In return my promise to him is that I too will say YES,

Sure ! OK ... Why not ???
Life really is too short.
2 cents (or maybe it's more like 14 cents ;-)
from Black Street xo s & les Gang

judy in ky said...

Thank you all so much for caring and commenting. My husband is a stubborn man (he's a Taurus), but he's beginning to come around to the idea of moving back. We have actually been discussing it. I will keep you posted.