Sunday, July 18, 2010

I've Got Issues...

Sometimes I feel paralyzed. Stuck. There are so many things I need to fix. My BMI is too high. I am not fit. I can't walk up a flight of stairs without becoming breathless. So, I need to fix that.

My house is too cluttered. I don't know where to begin. The closet too full of clothes. The bathroom too full of old cosmetics. The basement too full of stuff we never use. I have made some progress but it never seems like enough. Things seem to keep multiplying. There is always too much stuff on the kitchen counters, and too much stuff piled up in the laundry room. My fridge and my pantry are both so full that I can't find anything, and every time I open the door something falls out.

I babysit my three nieces on Tuesdays. I am supposed to get them to do their chores, their spelling, their math (yes, they still have schoolwork in the summer), and practice the piano. All they want to do is watch television. They are not supposed to watch Cartoon Network or ICarly. So, of course, those are the things they love the most. Some days I am too tired to be the enforcer.

I always seem to be falling short, at least in my own mind. I go to sleep thinking of all I haven't accomplished that day. I wake up in the morning with renewed motivation, start on a project, then get tired halfway through the day, leaving "stuff" half done all over the house. I switch from project to project, never sticking with one to completion. Sometimes I wonder if I have adult ADD.

I watch the news and I get mad. I can't find peace at home because of all the "stuff" closing in on me. Oh, and I worry about money running out during retirement.

I worry about everything. My mind races, but my body is tired. I hope this is just a "phase" and I get over it. Maybe I need a vacation. But then I would have to pack. Oh dear.


Natalie said...

Judy, you could have been sitting inside my thoughts and fears... you did not share anything that I don't recognize in myself. I beat myself up over it, and suffer and feel ashamed. I will never understand how I can live like this, secretly and miserably, and yet be completely honest and forthcoming with you. So, from someone who completely understands your struggles, please accept my hugs, my sympathy, my earnest desire to help you. I need help too, and this post of yours is a good start.

rachel said...

Judy, that's been a horribly familiar refrain for me too in the past, and occasionally crops up again now and then. But I understand from my own experience how overwhelmed you are feeling.

Two things helped: one, I acknowledged (tearfully) that I wasn't coping well with it all, and that my house had somehow "got away from me" - and my son pitched in and had a ruthless clear out in a couple of cluttered rooms and cupboards. I forced myself not to look in the wheelie bins after he'd done that, and I haven't really missed a thing that he got rid of.

Two, I then had a good think about what was really dragging me down the most - in my case the small attic boxroom - and I tackled it. It took a while, and several attempts, but I cleared it, and the relief was enormous. It would have been so easy to try to tackle every room at once, and of course I would have failed and felt worse.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you may find it helpful to ask honestly for help with the things you are struggling with most, and not to do more than one thing at a time! It takes us a long time to get into that state, and it doesn't come right overnight, so don't set your sights too high - one step at a time.

If you were nearer, I would come over and help! Have a look at Karen Kingston's website, or her very useful little feng shui book "Clear Your Clutter' (I think that's the title) - it helps to explain a lot of what you're feeling.

Lots of sympathy, and warmest most encouraging wishes...

judy in ky said...

Thank you dear friends. It helps to know one is not alone. It is such a comfort to be understood.

Susan said...

I wonder if you might to something for yourself like take a course, sign up for yoga, get a part time job at a museum or some place you love or even volunteer at something that you feel strongly about. As someone who lives most of the time, contently miserable, tucked away in my head, bitching endlessly to myself, I have found as much as I drag my heels the whole way - that getting out in the world and being with like minded people and doing something different "away" from all that drives me crazy has been incredibly therapeutic.

I think what helps me about doing these kind of things is I begin to focus on things that I'm good at and that I like about myself rather than constantly fixated on the plethora of things that I don't like.

the 2 cents from Black Street.

ps. I'm with Rach about the getting rid of stuff. Mr. Sparse & Bare (the cowboy) helped me to do the final big purge. A project that I've been working on for years. I donated car loads full of treasures to a local church shop and once those things were gone I felt such relief and happiness that these things might become someone else's "new" treasure.

judy in ky said...

Susan, you and Rachel have motivated me to be relentless in getting rid of "stuff". That is going to be my focus in weeks to come. "Stuff" is weighing me down, mentally and physically.

As you say, I need to get out of my house and find things I love. It's not easy, as I know you know. I have tried several things and didn't fit in, but that was here in Kentucky. I think I need to go a bit farther north, into Cincinnati. Crossing that river makes a big difference in mindset!

Susan said...

I know you'll find something ... and I feel confident that it will be a huge help when you do. Also re: stuff and getting rid of - if I were you I would "not" hesitate to contact a professional organizer to help. Anyone who has "issues" with stuff needs help to get going, and get rid of. I could never have done it without MLou & Doug, helping me. You go girl !